Thank you, thank you all so much. Thank you. Please. Thank you, again. Sit down, please. I beseech you. Thank you so very, very much.
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, venerable companions, esteemed colleagues, friends of friends, enemies of enemies, our beloved families, thank you. Please. Thank you. Please, be seated. Stand up. Sit down. Amen.
Thank you all for coming here, for being so brave and striving against adversity, etc., etc. In what now seems like a distant memory, all the way back in 2001, sexy left. I don't recall the exact date, nor does anyone else, but we'll call it, for no reason, September 11, 2001. I'll never forget it (the general time, not the day), as I'm sure is true for all of you as well. In any case, we all suffered greatly then, from 9/11/2001 until roughly July 7, 2006, which is when sexy came back. Inexplicably, and to our shared delight and benefit.
Again, I'm sure you all remember the details, but for those who don't I'll offer a brief refresher. What I'm talking about is the Justin Timberlake album. Ah, I see you all nodding with recognition now, and speaking genially yet seriously with your seatmates.
[crowd murmurs respectfully, in a vaguely approving manner]
Please, hold your applause until the end. And no flash photography; it's distracting to the performers. Thank you. You're welcome. God bless you.
To return to the album that brought sexy back...it was released seven years ago, and yet I felt it necessary to address now. Its importance is undeniable, and its impact unprecedented. A year before the album's release, around July 7, 2005, (and then again, two weeks later) to compound the general unsexiness of the terrible events of around-9/11/2001, things were decidedly unsexy. To be completely honest, so much unsexiness occurred during those years that it all kind of blurred together. And yet we persist.
JT inspired us. We so greatly appreciated what he was doing. But it wasn't enough. Perhaps it was our failing. He did all that he could. Did we let him down? It's possible. For our precious youth, the future of our country, the brightest minds and purest hearts, always striving for perfection, this is a history lesson. Cherish it. Memorize it. Apply it in your schooling, because it will be on the final exam.
[rabid applause; hooting; a chair is thrown; glass shatters]
Please, thank you. I so greatly appreciate you. Thanks. Sit, please. Yes. Not a problem.
Somehow I keep losing the thread. Oh, right. Sexy. It left, came back, and then, all of a sudden, it was gone again. We didn't know when exactly it left that second time, or why, or where it went. It was just gone one day, suddenly and conspicuously absent from our lives. We all simply woke up one morning (the date which no one remembers) and slowly realized sexy had left us once more.
It was such a helpless realization, and people across the country stayed in bed for weeks and weeks. Society ground to a halt, with its crushing sexy deficit, and eventually it crumbled. Chaos reigned.
[scattered boos]
Please, shut up. I'm trying to talk to you honestly and candidly about this most recent crisis in our country's history. Thank you. Excuse me. Hello. Goodbye. Just kidding. I'm still here. Thank you, thank you so much.
Where was I? Oh yes. Roving gangs patrolled the countryside on motorcycles and other degenerate vehicles. Tanker trucks, for instance. Most eighteen-wheelers, actually. It was similar to a popular film whose name I can't remember but which will be the only reference to a post-apocalyptic world I make. It was the opposite of sexy.
Anyway, the remaining sexy few, those who held on to some semblance of sexy, who seemed to recall its elusive nature, they were sent to the camps, with the Jews and the Roma and the homosexuals and the communists and the dissidents, etc. May they all rest in peace, up in Heaven with The Big Guy and Jesus.
[loud praying and rending of garments]
Again, thank you. I do what I can. But I'm only one man fighting for sexy in a dark, unsexy world. I can't do this on my own. I need your help. All of you, from the lowliest parasite to the most valuable producer. Are you ready to bring sexy back...for good?
[momentary bewildered whispers; exponential crowd enthusiasm swell until the sound is deafening]
Alright then. Let's have a minute of silence then, for those we remember. Those we lost in the unsexiness. A literal minute. I mean it. I'm timing it. With my sexy watch. Nobody speaks! Don't shuffle around in your awful suits. Let's go...now.
[forty-five seconds pass; a man coughs and is executed on the spot; a minute passes]
Thank you...most of you. That was one minute. I even cut it short a couple of seconds, actually. No matter. Let's forge ahead. Uh...let's see. Here we go. For a time, I was the only one trying to bring sexy back. Everyone else was dead, or in hiding, or just not sexy whatsoever, with no chance of ever being sexy. But tonight I have some help. He's not dead, or hiding, or unsexy. He's here...now.
[dramatic pyrotechnics; JT descends from the ceiling; riotous applause; the ground opens up; the earth burns]
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, venerable companions, esteemed colleagues, friends of friends, enemies of enemies, our beloved families, thank you. Please. Thank you. Please, be seated. Stand up. Sit down. Amen.
Thank you all for coming here, for being so brave and striving against adversity, etc., etc. In what now seems like a distant memory, all the way back in 2001, sexy left. I don't recall the exact date, nor does anyone else, but we'll call it, for no reason, September 11, 2001. I'll never forget it (the general time, not the day), as I'm sure is true for all of you as well. In any case, we all suffered greatly then, from 9/11/2001 until roughly July 7, 2006, which is when sexy came back. Inexplicably, and to our shared delight and benefit.
Again, I'm sure you all remember the details, but for those who don't I'll offer a brief refresher. What I'm talking about is the Justin Timberlake album. Ah, I see you all nodding with recognition now, and speaking genially yet seriously with your seatmates.
[crowd murmurs respectfully, in a vaguely approving manner]
Please, hold your applause until the end. And no flash photography; it's distracting to the performers. Thank you. You're welcome. God bless you.
To return to the album that brought sexy back...it was released seven years ago, and yet I felt it necessary to address now. Its importance is undeniable, and its impact unprecedented. A year before the album's release, around July 7, 2005, (and then again, two weeks later) to compound the general unsexiness of the terrible events of around-9/11/2001, things were decidedly unsexy. To be completely honest, so much unsexiness occurred during those years that it all kind of blurred together. And yet we persist.
JT inspired us. We so greatly appreciated what he was doing. But it wasn't enough. Perhaps it was our failing. He did all that he could. Did we let him down? It's possible. For our precious youth, the future of our country, the brightest minds and purest hearts, always striving for perfection, this is a history lesson. Cherish it. Memorize it. Apply it in your schooling, because it will be on the final exam.
[rabid applause; hooting; a chair is thrown; glass shatters]
Please, thank you. I so greatly appreciate you. Thanks. Sit, please. Yes. Not a problem.
Somehow I keep losing the thread. Oh, right. Sexy. It left, came back, and then, all of a sudden, it was gone again. We didn't know when exactly it left that second time, or why, or where it went. It was just gone one day, suddenly and conspicuously absent from our lives. We all simply woke up one morning (the date which no one remembers) and slowly realized sexy had left us once more.
It was such a helpless realization, and people across the country stayed in bed for weeks and weeks. Society ground to a halt, with its crushing sexy deficit, and eventually it crumbled. Chaos reigned.
[scattered boos]
Please, shut up. I'm trying to talk to you honestly and candidly about this most recent crisis in our country's history. Thank you. Excuse me. Hello. Goodbye. Just kidding. I'm still here. Thank you, thank you so much.
Where was I? Oh yes. Roving gangs patrolled the countryside on motorcycles and other degenerate vehicles. Tanker trucks, for instance. Most eighteen-wheelers, actually. It was similar to a popular film whose name I can't remember but which will be the only reference to a post-apocalyptic world I make. It was the opposite of sexy.
Anyway, the remaining sexy few, those who held on to some semblance of sexy, who seemed to recall its elusive nature, they were sent to the camps, with the Jews and the Roma and the homosexuals and the communists and the dissidents, etc. May they all rest in peace, up in Heaven with The Big Guy and Jesus.
[loud praying and rending of garments]
Again, thank you. I do what I can. But I'm only one man fighting for sexy in a dark, unsexy world. I can't do this on my own. I need your help. All of you, from the lowliest parasite to the most valuable producer. Are you ready to bring sexy back...for good?
[momentary bewildered whispers; exponential crowd enthusiasm swell until the sound is deafening]
Alright then. Let's have a minute of silence then, for those we remember. Those we lost in the unsexiness. A literal minute. I mean it. I'm timing it. With my sexy watch. Nobody speaks! Don't shuffle around in your awful suits. Let's go...now.
[forty-five seconds pass; a man coughs and is executed on the spot; a minute passes]
Thank you...most of you. That was one minute. I even cut it short a couple of seconds, actually. No matter. Let's forge ahead. Uh...let's see. Here we go. For a time, I was the only one trying to bring sexy back. Everyone else was dead, or in hiding, or just not sexy whatsoever, with no chance of ever being sexy. But tonight I have some help. He's not dead, or hiding, or unsexy. He's here...now.
[dramatic pyrotechnics; JT descends from the ceiling; riotous applause; the ground opens up; the earth burns]
